Today I was outside with your grandsons watching them running around enjoying the sun, being boys, digging in the dirt, laughing, swinging a plastic bat in the shape of a carrot, wishing you were here. I know you would be laughing at the comical things they say and do, loving the way they throw themselves uninhibited into the arms of those they love always knowing we will be here to catch them. Mom I miss you so much, the way you were always on my side no matter what, I miss your laugh ,the way you smelled, the way you always called me on my crap. I hate the fact that the boys will never really know you, I need you so much right now mom. When the boys are sick I want to call you, when they are being bad I want you to tell me this is just a phase and I acted like that when I was their age. I want them to know all the unconditional love I felt from you as I was growing up. Sometimes I wish just for a moment you could come down from heaven and hold them just so they could know how your hugs felt. I wish I had a picture of you and the boys together. I said to Kevin one day that I was so sad that they would never know you as anything other than a picture on the mantel, he replied if your mom was still here we probably wouldn't have the boys. That's a choice I wish I never had to make.