Birthday

My 42nd birthday is this week....wow 42, I remember when I was in my 20's and 40 seemed so old. Hahahahaha I don't feel like I thought I would at 42. I mean I didn't think I was going to be guzzling Geritol or anything but I thought I'd feel more settled in my skin. Some days I look in the mirror and think "you look pretty good for a 40 year old" and some days I don't even recognize myself. Is this normal? I mean I know my life has been in a state of upheval for a little bit but I wish the underpinings my life felt more secure. Maybe because this isn't where I pictured myself at this age, not that it's a bad thing but when life goes off the track you have in your mind it kind of sends you into a tailspin, where your life doesn't feel like your own. Starting over is exciting but scary as hell too. It's not just me I have to think about, every decision I make affects 2 other people who are the most important things in my life.

I spent the evening with one of my best friends tonight...man that girl can make me laugh! Just what I needed, she is always a shot in the arm for me. This year on my birthday so many people are making a fuss over me...I love it! I will never be one of those people who say" don't make a big deal out of my birthday, it's just another day." Well for me it's MY special day, the day to celebrate me, and I'm going to soak up every minute of it.

Friendship

Well I'm on day 3 of my 10 day stretch of no babies. I've had many people call me to say "how are you doing?" I'm doing good so far because I have been staying busy. Give me a couple more days and I think it will really start to sink in, but by then I'll be halfway thru it and the rest is all downhill.

I went to visit a friend this evening, a friend who is dying of lung cancer. She is an amazing woman who when I'm around her I forget the difference in our ages. She is funny, irreverent and very prepared to die. As she has said "I've lived a great life, and I'm ok with going" We have sat and talked for hours about every topic under the sun, anything from being a mother to her showing me a catalog she had gotten that had vibrators in it. That was a conversation to remember! She knew and loved my mom, we talk about her alot, we talk about her husband who I never had the pleasure of meeting who passed away one year on Christmas Eve. We talk about our friend Fran who passed away last year. My mom, she and Fran used to be the three musketeers at every family function sitting in the corner drinking wine and laughing alot. Soon the three of them will be back together again. Why is cancer so evil? All three of them have had cancer. It's hard to see my friend going thru this...it brings back memeories of my mom and how she struggled so at the end. My mom was NOT ready to die though she cried everyday wishing she had more time. I wish she had had more time too. God I miss her.....

Life

I figure if I post something every six months or so that should just about catch everyone up on our lives...

The boys left today to go on a 10 trip to go visit their dad. You can imagine my mixed feelings, happiness that their dad wants to spend the time with them, sadness over not seeing them for 10 days, happiness at having time to myself, missing them and worrying about them like crazy.

Ahhhh this divorce stuff is for the birds. The house is too quiet.