Birthday

My 42nd birthday is this week....wow 42, I remember when I was in my 20's and 40 seemed so old. Hahahahaha I don't feel like I thought I would at 42. I mean I didn't think I was going to be guzzling Geritol or anything but I thought I'd feel more settled in my skin. Some days I look in the mirror and think "you look pretty good for a 40 year old" and some days I don't even recognize myself. Is this normal? I mean I know my life has been in a state of upheval for a little bit but I wish the underpinings my life felt more secure. Maybe because this isn't where I pictured myself at this age, not that it's a bad thing but when life goes off the track you have in your mind it kind of sends you into a tailspin, where your life doesn't feel like your own. Starting over is exciting but scary as hell too. It's not just me I have to think about, every decision I make affects 2 other people who are the most important things in my life.

I spent the evening with one of my best friends tonight...man that girl can make me laugh! Just what I needed, she is always a shot in the arm for me. This year on my birthday so many people are making a fuss over me...I love it! I will never be one of those people who say" don't make a big deal out of my birthday, it's just another day." Well for me it's MY special day, the day to celebrate me, and I'm going to soak up every minute of it.

Friendship

Well I'm on day 3 of my 10 day stretch of no babies. I've had many people call me to say "how are you doing?" I'm doing good so far because I have been staying busy. Give me a couple more days and I think it will really start to sink in, but by then I'll be halfway thru it and the rest is all downhill.

I went to visit a friend this evening, a friend who is dying of lung cancer. She is an amazing woman who when I'm around her I forget the difference in our ages. She is funny, irreverent and very prepared to die. As she has said "I've lived a great life, and I'm ok with going" We have sat and talked for hours about every topic under the sun, anything from being a mother to her showing me a catalog she had gotten that had vibrators in it. That was a conversation to remember! She knew and loved my mom, we talk about her alot, we talk about her husband who I never had the pleasure of meeting who passed away one year on Christmas Eve. We talk about our friend Fran who passed away last year. My mom, she and Fran used to be the three musketeers at every family function sitting in the corner drinking wine and laughing alot. Soon the three of them will be back together again. Why is cancer so evil? All three of them have had cancer. It's hard to see my friend going thru this...it brings back memeories of my mom and how she struggled so at the end. My mom was NOT ready to die though she cried everyday wishing she had more time. I wish she had had more time too. God I miss her.....

Life

I figure if I post something every six months or so that should just about catch everyone up on our lives...

The boys left today to go on a 10 trip to go visit their dad. You can imagine my mixed feelings, happiness that their dad wants to spend the time with them, sadness over not seeing them for 10 days, happiness at having time to myself, missing them and worrying about them like crazy.

Ahhhh this divorce stuff is for the birds. The house is too quiet.

Fun Fact Friday

This is a blog post topic copied from some of my favorite blogs:

When I was in grade school we lived in an old 3 story creepy house in Flint. The back way up to our apartment which was on the 2nd floor of the building was via a really rickety set of wooden stairs. The first landing was roughly at a normal house roof level maybe a bit higher, I used to sit on that landing and swing my legs and hold onto the rail above me. One day I decided to swing out, I slipped and fell from the landing onto the ground on my back, I laid there for a second looking up at the sky, then started whispering mom, mom, MOM!!!!! She had heard the thud and had already started out the door, she said when she saw me on the ground she almost passed out cause she knew right away what had happened. Needless to say I was ok with no lasting effects....or were there????

I have a ridiculous fear of going off a bridge into water, to the point of crazy.

I love the taste of a fresh piece of gum and an ice cold Coke

I rub my feet together every night before I go to sleep kind of like a cricket.

I have to sleep on the right side of the bed.

New beginnings

It has been so long since I have posted anything, most of the people that followed my blog have stopped checking back to see if their are any updates. As some of you know Kevin and I have decided to divorce after 7 years of marriage. It was a very difficult decision to make for all of us. The boys and I have moved back to the states from our time in Canada and we are settling into our new home pretty well. This is a new chapter in my journey and I'm actually pretty excited.

Renter

As some of you may or may not know we have finally got a family renting our house, they seem like super nice people. We had a sit down with them that lasted more than 2 hours. We feel good about them and letting them live in our house. He is a retired Detroit cop and she is retired from Experian. They have a college aged daughter who is super nice. We will be moving on the 28th of June tentalively as they have to be in the house on the 1st of July...whew so much to do and so little time to do it in.

Here are the pics from me tsking the boys to Carol's to get their haircut...

I miss you

Today I was outside with your grandsons watching them running around enjoying the sun, being boys, digging in the dirt, laughing, swinging a plastic bat in the shape of a carrot, wishing you were here. I know you would be laughing at the comical things they say and do, loving the way they throw themselves uninhibited into the arms of those they love always knowing we will be here to catch them. Mom I miss you so much, the way you were always on my side no matter what, I miss your laugh ,the way you smelled, the way you always called me on my crap. I hate the fact that the boys will never really know you, I need you so much right now mom. When the boys are sick I want to call you, when they are being bad I want you to tell me this is just a phase and I acted like that when I was their age. I want them to know all the unconditional love I felt from you as I was growing up. Sometimes I wish just for a moment you could come down from heaven and hold them just so they could know how your hugs felt. I wish I had a picture of you and the boys together. I said to Kevin one day that I was so sad that they would never know you as anything other than a picture on the mantel, he replied if your mom was still here we probably wouldn't have the boys. That's a choice I wish I never had to make.