Birthday

My 42nd birthday is this week....wow 42, I remember when I was in my 20's and 40 seemed so old. Hahahahaha I don't feel like I thought I would at 42. I mean I didn't think I was going to be guzzling Geritol or anything but I thought I'd feel more settled in my skin. Some days I look in the mirror and think "you look pretty good for a 40 year old" and some days I don't even recognize myself. Is this normal? I mean I know my life has been in a state of upheval for a little bit but I wish the underpinings my life felt more secure. Maybe because this isn't where I pictured myself at this age, not that it's a bad thing but when life goes off the track you have in your mind it kind of sends you into a tailspin, where your life doesn't feel like your own. Starting over is exciting but scary as hell too. It's not just me I have to think about, every decision I make affects 2 other people who are the most important things in my life.

I spent the evening with one of my best friends tonight...man that girl can make me laugh! Just what I needed, she is always a shot in the arm for me. This year on my birthday so many people are making a fuss over me...I love it! I will never be one of those people who say" don't make a big deal out of my birthday, it's just another day." Well for me it's MY special day, the day to celebrate me, and I'm going to soak up every minute of it.

Friendship

Well I'm on day 3 of my 10 day stretch of no babies. I've had many people call me to say "how are you doing?" I'm doing good so far because I have been staying busy. Give me a couple more days and I think it will really start to sink in, but by then I'll be halfway thru it and the rest is all downhill.

I went to visit a friend this evening, a friend who is dying of lung cancer. She is an amazing woman who when I'm around her I forget the difference in our ages. She is funny, irreverent and very prepared to die. As she has said "I've lived a great life, and I'm ok with going" We have sat and talked for hours about every topic under the sun, anything from being a mother to her showing me a catalog she had gotten that had vibrators in it. That was a conversation to remember! She knew and loved my mom, we talk about her alot, we talk about her husband who I never had the pleasure of meeting who passed away one year on Christmas Eve. We talk about our friend Fran who passed away last year. My mom, she and Fran used to be the three musketeers at every family function sitting in the corner drinking wine and laughing alot. Soon the three of them will be back together again. Why is cancer so evil? All three of them have had cancer. It's hard to see my friend going thru this...it brings back memeories of my mom and how she struggled so at the end. My mom was NOT ready to die though she cried everyday wishing she had more time. I wish she had had more time too. God I miss her.....

Life

I figure if I post something every six months or so that should just about catch everyone up on our lives...

The boys left today to go on a 10 trip to go visit their dad. You can imagine my mixed feelings, happiness that their dad wants to spend the time with them, sadness over not seeing them for 10 days, happiness at having time to myself, missing them and worrying about them like crazy.

Ahhhh this divorce stuff is for the birds. The house is too quiet.

Fun Fact Friday

This is a blog post topic copied from some of my favorite blogs:

When I was in grade school we lived in an old 3 story creepy house in Flint. The back way up to our apartment which was on the 2nd floor of the building was via a really rickety set of wooden stairs. The first landing was roughly at a normal house roof level maybe a bit higher, I used to sit on that landing and swing my legs and hold onto the rail above me. One day I decided to swing out, I slipped and fell from the landing onto the ground on my back, I laid there for a second looking up at the sky, then started whispering mom, mom, MOM!!!!! She had heard the thud and had already started out the door, she said when she saw me on the ground she almost passed out cause she knew right away what had happened. Needless to say I was ok with no lasting effects....or were there????

I have a ridiculous fear of going off a bridge into water, to the point of crazy.

I love the taste of a fresh piece of gum and an ice cold Coke

I rub my feet together every night before I go to sleep kind of like a cricket.

I have to sleep on the right side of the bed.

New beginnings

It has been so long since I have posted anything, most of the people that followed my blog have stopped checking back to see if their are any updates. As some of you know Kevin and I have decided to divorce after 7 years of marriage. It was a very difficult decision to make for all of us. The boys and I have moved back to the states from our time in Canada and we are settling into our new home pretty well. This is a new chapter in my journey and I'm actually pretty excited.

Renter

As some of you may or may not know we have finally got a family renting our house, they seem like super nice people. We had a sit down with them that lasted more than 2 hours. We feel good about them and letting them live in our house. He is a retired Detroit cop and she is retired from Experian. They have a college aged daughter who is super nice. We will be moving on the 28th of June tentalively as they have to be in the house on the 1st of July...whew so much to do and so little time to do it in.

Here are the pics from me tsking the boys to Carol's to get their haircut...

I miss you

Today I was outside with your grandsons watching them running around enjoying the sun, being boys, digging in the dirt, laughing, swinging a plastic bat in the shape of a carrot, wishing you were here. I know you would be laughing at the comical things they say and do, loving the way they throw themselves uninhibited into the arms of those they love always knowing we will be here to catch them. Mom I miss you so much, the way you were always on my side no matter what, I miss your laugh ,the way you smelled, the way you always called me on my crap. I hate the fact that the boys will never really know you, I need you so much right now mom. When the boys are sick I want to call you, when they are being bad I want you to tell me this is just a phase and I acted like that when I was their age. I want them to know all the unconditional love I felt from you as I was growing up. Sometimes I wish just for a moment you could come down from heaven and hold them just so they could know how your hugs felt. I wish I had a picture of you and the boys together. I said to Kevin one day that I was so sad that they would never know you as anything other than a picture on the mantel, he replied if your mom was still here we probably wouldn't have the boys. That's a choice I wish I never had to make.

Jen Lancaster

Soooo I finally got to meet one of my favorite authors the other night and she was just as funny as I imagined she would be. I had wondered if perhaps upon meeting her I wouldn't like her, but she is exactly like she portrays herself in her books. Someone I want to be friends with, her way of telling a story cracks me the hell up. Her book Bitter is the New Black got me thru some tough times when my mom was dying, so for that I thank you Jen Lancaster. It was a pleasure to meet you.

Pretty in Plaid

OMG my favorite author is going to be in Detroit today!!! Her new book comes out today and we are the first stop on her tour. Also it is Cinco De Mayo which means many margaritas will need to be drunk. I'm going to do the best I can not to squeal like a teenange girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. Hopefully I won't embarass myself. Although it is a strong possibility. I will update on my humiliation later.

Tired

I am beginning to get worn down. Being essentially a single mother everyday but Saturday is starting to get to me. I felt somehow that because we adopted them and I wanted them so badly that I would never have these feelings that alot of parents do and I feel selfish for feeling this way. I feel guilty asking for help because everybody is busy, everybody has alot on their plate, it's not just me. But man I'm getting tired. I need a shot of energy soon or I'm going to lay down on the couch and never want to get up again.
In other news Alex decided to use the side of Daddy's truck as a chalkboard with a rock..... uhhh yeah. These are the days of my life....sigh.

Sunday

Sundays at our house are always melancholy days, Kevin has to go back to Canada and then the boys and I are left to our own devices. Today was a day like no other. Started out the same Kev leaving the boys and I eating lunch, boys to nap. I had started getting a headache earlier but wasn't too bad, around 2:30 it really hit me. It was so bad I called my mother-in-law in tears asking her to come get the boys. She quickly came and picked them up, and I went to bed. Woke up 2 hours later and felt fine. I have never had a migraine but I'll tell you if that is even 1/10th of how bad a migraine is I think I would keel over from the pain. I think my tolerance for pain is ok but that headache kicked my ass. The boys were so sweet....Mama don't cry, I love you Mama, are you okay Mama??? I am raising 2 amazing little boys.

Maddie

As some of you may know I spend alot of time on the computer in the evenings unwinding from my day and I have a few blogs I follow regularly. One of them is this, the story of beautiful little girl who was born too soon, fought like crazy to live, was loved beyond measure, and left this earth too soon. I fell in love with this little girl and her family like so many others and followed her daily adventures with her mom Heather, dad Mike and favorite sidekick Rigby. I had seen the post her mom had left that they had to rush Maddie to the hospital in an ambulance. Just like times before I thought that little girl is a fighter she'll pull thru. Imagine my horror upon logging on to Twitter to find that Maddie had passed away. There is something so wrong with a child dying before her parents it goes against every law of nature and to all of you who are parents or who love a child it is your worst nightmare come to life. I can't possibly imagine the pain that the Spohrs are going thru every minute of every day, I wish that this was all just a really bad dream that they could wake up from. Unfortunately it's not so I hope that you will join me in supporting the March of Dimes and donete some money in Maddies name using the link on the sidebar of my blog. Please do all that you can....such a small life that has made such a huge impact on this world.

Long time coming

Look who came to our house....the Easter Bunny

Easter morning

Uhhhh yeah, no posting for a while( try 5 months). In my defense the lack of blogging can be directly traced back to the same time as we found out we were moving to Canada and I became a single parent due to the fact that Kevin had to start work in November and is only able to come home on weekends. Whew that was quite the run on sentence....i think I'm finally settling into somewhat of a routine. It is getting harder and harder to go to work as Alex is having a hard time with me leaving. Today was really bad he was holding onto my hand and screaming bloody murder saying " No Mommy!!! Stay with me!!!" It just about broke my heart. Tell me it gets easier...

Barack Obama

We won!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally this country can have a President we can be proud of.

Vote

Well it is finally here....election day. The chance to make your voice heard. The excuses that I have heard from people make my head want to explode." My vote doesn't relly count anyway." "He's just going to get assasinated in office anyway why vote for him?" "The lines will be too long." I've never registered to vote ...who wants to be called up for jury duty?" " Not registered, don't want to get drafted if they reinstate the draft." Really, people really???? Are these reasons not to vote? this election will change history as we know it. If one side wins(the side I'm on) we will have the first African American president. If the other side wins we will have the first female vice president. Anyway you look at it this is history in the making and as for me I will not be standing on the sidelines making excuses. I will be casting my vote, making sure that those who came before me fighting for the right to vote did not fight in vain.

Canada

Well Ladies and Gentlemen it's official....we are moving to Canada!! Kevin accepted the position as of Monday. We are very excited and nervous as we are moving out of the country. I realize it's Canada and not Bolivia but still we will be away from all that is familiar, our family and friends. It will be tough for awhile but we feel we are doing what is best for our family. We will be renting a townhouse there and renting our house here, Trying to sell our house in this market would be like opening up our wallets and saying here take it all...lol. Anyway it is a really nice townhouse that is bigger than the house we have now with a finished basement which will give us lots more living space. Kevin has to be there to start his job on Nov. 13, with me following after the first of the year. I don't want the kids to be surrounded by boxes and craziness on their first Christmas at home. Hopefully we will settle in quickly and get used to living in another country.

Alex's first Tigers game

Ahh the smell of hotdogs, the sound of the crowd, the beautiful blue sky, the wonder on my sons face as he watched his first Tigers game. The sadness as I watched him knowing his Grammy Janet would have loved to be sitting next to him cheering on her Tigers, but also knowing she was there smiling down at him and wishing she was there.

He loved Bayball as he called it and wanted to go out on the field to help them play the game but Daddy told him no that unfortunately his help wasn't needed. But Mommy and Alex made a pact that he would become a major league player so that in our old age Daddy and Mommy could be supported in a way of life to which they would like to become accustomed. We even shook on it. So the deal has been made...whew that sure is a weight off our shoulders.

Always remember

I will never forget that day, the beautiful pristine blue sky the thick black smoke pouring up polluting the beauty of the sky. My horror when I called my mom for some mundane thing and her telling me turn on the T.V. at work, a plane just hit the Twin Towers. As I was yelling to my coworkers to turn it on her saying OH MY GOD another plane just hit the other tower !!!! She started crying and a cold chill went down my back knowing this was no freak accident this was deliberate. I remember the silence.... only punctuated by one of my coworkers quiet sobbing as we watched the towers burn. What could you say at a moment like that knowing all life as we know it was about to change. The fear of not knowing what was to come, the feeling of "I just need to get home and I'll be safe." But still knowing none of us were safe and wishing it was all just a very bad dream. That day began a new normal for all of us. Remember it can happen again in an instant, remember those who were lost, remeber how we came together as a country then united in our horror and anger. Let us never forget that horrible day.

Poor choices

Do you ever as a parent sometimes wonder if your kids will ever make it to adulthood because you make poor choices as a parent. Tonight was just such a night. i got home from work and Kev and the boys were gone so I decided to pick up the house a bit get the kids beds turned back pjs laid out and diapers and pulls ups ready. While picking up in the living room I noticed the spray container of carpet cleaner on the coffee table and thought to myself why did Kevin leave that out one of the boys could have gotten hurt. Fast forward to finished getting the boys ready for bed and Cooper running into the living room and 2 seconds later shrieking terribly...I then heard the cat hiss and thought uhoh the cat finally got him. No, Kev picked him up and he is writhing in his arms screaming and we are trying to see where the cat scratched him and I realize he has something wet on his face.. IT WAS THE F ING CARPET CLEANER!!!!! My dumb ass went so far as to mentally criticize Kevin for leaving it out but then not put it away myself. I am so stupid sometimes!!! We flushed his face and eyes with water and then made him drink and spit some water too in case he had ingested any of it. Five minutes later he was running around like a chicken acting fine. That was my first really really scary parenting moment. I feel so guilty that I was so careless with our kids safety.

Out of town

Kev is in Canada for a couple of days and while he is gone I am always torn between missing him and being happy to have the house to myself and spending lots of time with the boys.
I think tomorrow I will take the boys to the splash pad here in Redford. They absolutely loved it the last time we went.
In other news I am contemplating going to Ohio to visit my family for a couple of days with the boys in September. I haven't been down to see my family in ages and I would like to take the boys to meet my side of the family and to go to my grandparents graves and see the old house that I still remember as a child I actually went there a few times before it was sold and it is actually something I remember from my childhood...I have a terrible memory. Any thoughts on this visit yea or na??? Yes I will be going alone as it is during the week and Kev is working...and yes I am crazy for contemplating traveling 3 hours alone with 2 small children.